A MEMORY FROM YOUR MISTRESS
ON BEING A PUNK PRO-DOMME
This trip down memory lane was written in May of 2016, when this New Yorker was living in San Francisco for a spell, and published as a column in Maximum Rocknroll the following month. I wanted to share my old writing, utterly unedited, complete with my former habit of double spacing after periods. I hope that you're spending time enjoyably by yourself or peacefully with others this holiday. I'm happy because I am running the Thanksgiving show this year, so it involves being surrounded by kittens and eating steak. I'm grateful right now for how far I've come since I wrote this piece and I've been enriched by a select few of you along the way. My greatest teachers are always my dear Ramona Men. Enjoy this writing and be grateful for how hard I will make you cum when we next meet, however we play!
I’m being very California on a Saturday morning taking my time choosing between different types of kale at the farmer’s market when I get a text from the woman who runs my dungeon. “The houseboy needs a quick inspection of his work.” I’m not scheduled to session, but she’s fair – I’ll get free time at the dungeon and stay in her good graces. I ask if there are any specifics in dealing with the houseboy.
“No, just inspect his work and domme with him. He is a submissive. Spank him, have him kiss your feet, make him recite poetry, whatever.” I am an independent pro-domme, working for no one, renting space as needed, but I do a fair share to contribute to this dungeon. It’s beautifully furnished with everything from a St. Andrew’s cross to an antique dental chair and is fully equipped with your usual floggers, anal hooks and the like. The dungeon is more of a respectable kink-community space versus an impersonal pay by the hour torture chamber.
When I arrive, the houseboy is wearing a full harness, cock ring around his cock and balls, and yellow kitchen gloves. He is completely naked scrubbing the floor next to one of the cages. This is my life. I inspected the multiple rooms and pointed out what he had missed, but made sure to commend him when appropriate, as I am not beyond showing benevolence when deserved.
My dungeon is very clean and I am very grateful for him. I strapped him facedown in a bondage-chair, spanked him barehanded and performed some corporal punishment. I kept our session very light and ended by making him get on his knees, verbally worship me and clean my feet with his mouth. He earned it, being such a good boy and serving all of us so well.
A dominatrix is, by definition, “a dominating woman, especially one who takes the sadistic role in sadomasochistic sexual activities.” As a pro-domme (my preferred term), I am a sex worker. Sex work is a very murky world and everyone has their own take on the linguistics, labels and definitions. Emotions can run high when treading these waters so please note, this column is based on my perspective and I do not speak for the community at large.
The world of sex work is fraught with ambiguity. In a very basic sense there are four categories of sex worker (excluding hotline, film and internet based activities) and they are: dominatrix, stripper, massage, and escort. Many of these categories blur together and many workers fall into multiple categories of the industry. The boundaries of different types of sex work are vaguely defined. Basically, one must create their own hard limits and trust their instincts to stay safe and comfortable.
Some people in the industry desire a hierarchy among sex workers or shun the label of “sex worker”. Fellow workers who feel they are superior because they do a certain type of sex work rub me the wrong way. Whether the penetrated or penetrator (I wear a strap-on often!), there should be no snobbery among us. Whatever a willing worker and their client feel comfortable doing with their bodies, as long as it is safe for all parties involved, should be respected by others. It’s basically all the same game; mostly straight men pay women to indulge them in fantasy of some sort. This may involve mutual touching or maybe the man relieving himself with no physical contact between parties. In the end, some sort of sexual transaction occurs for money.
I make a decent living as a domme. It supports my creative endeavors and gives me time to work on a myriad of projects. Absolutely no one who knows me has been surprised that I am now a domme, especially my exes. One recently asked what took me so long. I have all sorts of interesting interactions with people when they find out I am a pro-domme, but really, men have treated me this way my whole life. When I still smoked, I’d ask for a cigarette and get a pack. Interactions like that are regular occurrences for me- and very often, I do not need to ask. I don’t believe it has to do with how attractive a woman is when they elicit a certain response from men. Looks can only take you so far.
I was born a super sensualist. As a little girl, I delighted in dipping my hands in bags of flour or reaching out and touching women’s fur coats on crowded subway trains. I have always been hyper aware of physical sensations and compulsive about seeking those that provided me with pleasure. This has made me an intense lover and very aware of how I make others feel physically. I love binding clothes and if it were practical to live in latex, I would. Since I was young, I’ve had a penchant for vintage undergarments like corsets and garters. I’ve always been fascinated by sexual perversion and fetish. Strong sensuality and an innate interest in control prepared me ideally for the role of pro-domme..
As someone who loves adrenaline, and pushing my own physical and psychological boundaries, I have always been drawn to pain from the cool edge of a razor blade sliced over my flesh to needle play. Understanding the feelings of physical pain, sensation, and deprivation in turn prepared me to inflict a plethora of sensations on others with a deep understanding of their impact. The mental aspects of anticipation and power play are intrinsic to proper deliverance of pain and pleasure. I have found many ways to send someone into subspace. Regarding mental dominance, finding a man’s weak spot or Achilles’ heel comes naturally to me but I’d rather not discuss the psychological aspects of domming.
I get asked a lot of questions, especially from women, when they find out I am a pro-domme. I always tell them that sex work is not for everyone as there is a very high burnout rate and the risk is enormous for a whole slew of reasons. Many women have told me that they have thought about being a domme or other type of sex worker but are too scared. They should be scared- it’s a sick, sad world out there and there is a lot of territory that ventures close to illegality and there are many scenarios where we are physically (and mentally) at risk while working. That said, the punk scene is filled with sex workers who exist in this underground economy. For me, the risks are worth it as I love my vocation, the hours it offers, and the lifestyle it has afforded me thus far.
I swore to never work a regular gig again after I lost my last square job. Thankfully I was single when I became unemployed and not accountable to anyone else regarding what I chose to do with my body. My last boyfriend had relapsed on heroin after three years clean so I was rebounding casually with some HA obsessed biker dude with a Broken Bones tattoo. Men I’ve dated over the years, as open-minded as they could be, probably could not handle me urinating in men’s mouths and would not approve of the racy nature of an intense session. Men have tried to own me for a long time. It has never worked. As Darby said, “I was never quite tamed.” You can cage an animal but the beast lives within. I could never have done this work at the capacity at which I do now until I had true ownership of myself mentally and physically.
I originally worked at a collective of sorts but after four months, I went independent. Most dommes are control freaks and I needed to find a space I felt was up to my standards, set my own hours and rates, do my own advertising, and handle bookings. This means that I have to screen clients myself and handle all their communication. I took a lot of clients with me when I went independent and have continuously done very well. I’m currently considering hiring a booking assistant. Regarding screening clients, there is an element of risk, for sure, as I exist in a quasi-legal underground filled with strange perverts. But cops don’t usually go after non-trafficked high-end dommes in the Bay Area. Plus, I have a loving community to help keep me safe and give me guidance from screening resources to client warnings. It is the most pro-women community I have ever been a part of.
The punk community rallies against many aspects of our society in pursuit of nonconformist and anarchist ideals, but many parts of the culture have been assimilated and accepted. Sex workers dwell on the edge and remain mostly vilified, shunned, even threatened on a daily basis. I think the politics involved translate more into our very existence versus a slogan on a band shirt. Shit is real for us every day. I take this lifestyle very seriously and have absorbed it into my identity in the same way I did with punk after my first gig at ABC No Rio. I am pretty open about my line of work within the punk community and I think it’s important that sex workers in punk feel safe.
BDSM is currently very trendy and punks have been decked in bondage gear since the 70s, so I am not too concerned about judgment from punkers. I own what I do and even my mother knows. She recently asked me, “What will you say at the parent/teacher conference when they ask what you do for work?” Considering that I struggle to find a partner without untreated mental health issues, I’m not too concerned about what my non-existent offspring’s teacher is going to think about my line of work. Right now, I’m basically focusing on my business and not on some draining co-dependent relationship.
I’ve covered a lot but not enough in this column. As I mentioned earlier, this is based on my perspective as a heteroflexible, white female living in one of the most, if not the most, sex-positive, pro-kink and pro-queer, areas in the world. Please do not misconstrue my use of gender pronouns or judge me for only speaking about male clients and not including my female or transgender clients. I have a diverse clientele. I also hold my male allies in this community near and dear to my heart. I have heard that the sex worker community is not as open in other areas and more cutthroat- and that makes me sad. If anyone seeks guidance in any way, please feel free to reach out to me via MRR.
This is a very personal profession and it is up to the individual to define the parameters of their work. My objective in writing this column was to provide some basic information so that a sliver of light could be shone on a world that is secretive in nature. So, keep wearing your bondage gear, punk and maybe some day it’ll cease to just be an accessory.
Hope this intimate read showed you that who you meet is who I am and who I have always been. I never did hire that booking assistant, as what I do is too bespoke and personal to involve a remote third. You continue to have direct access to me, after completing my contact form, and our correspondence is just for our encrypted eyes alone. You may have noticed that the above article was more BDSM than GFE, but we all know that I have been the kinky escort for many years and that all forms of sex, even vanilla, is desired deeply by your Mistress. I wrote this in a way where I wanted to sound tough, but that's just never been me- you open the door to a smiling Mistress and a hug and/or a kiss. I'm grateful to have perfected my sensual methods and deepened my connection to you since this piece was written. Eat some healthy produce and dream of Mistress this holiday.
Your Mistress,
xx Ramona Ryder
