MISTRESS’ SF LOVE AFFAIR
Your NYC Mistress
I moved to the Bay Area in 2011 to live and work at a punk magazine. I had quit my job as a geriatric social worker in NYC to go on tour with my band and then the band broke up. If one has no legitimate purpose for being in NYC, then it's time to get the hell out. I first went to SF as a young teen and immediately felt at home, similar to my first time in Berlin. My shoulders dropped and I slept better than ever. I told myself I would live there some day, and I am a woman of my word.
San Francisco has always agreed with me. I threatened to get an apartment last winter in SF for the colder months, but my cat would kill me, so sorry boys! I'm grateful to have lived in San Francisco when I did- it was the cleanest city that I had ever lived in apart from cities in places like Sweden. The weather was leather weather every day and I rode a bicycle everywhere with abandon until I got my first motorcycle.
Well, enough introduction and I'll just list off the places that I think are interesting and unique in San Francisco and the Bay Area with some Ramona tidbits. I became a sex worker here and the Bay is the place to begin a depraved journey.
SF PLACES
Alcatraz Night Tour- the best way to do Alcatraz is at night. Book in advance and wear a fur coat. Eat before you go as no one wants you to be hangry on The Rock.
Evergreen Cemetery in Oakland- Don't go to East Oakland lightly. You will find the Jonestown memorial/mass grave and the Hells Angels graves there and they're easy to find. Just like on the bike, the woman get buried behind their man and you've never seen a two-sided grave like this before. The HA mugshots on the tombstones are iconic as a final fuck you to society. I will say that many a man rode bitch on my motorcycles in California- I will never be buried behind a man! The Oakland HA chapter was founded in 1957 by Sonny Barger on Foothill Blvd. I had my home and dungeon on Foothill Blvd a short ride away.
Mountain View Cemetery- a good place to watch the sunset over the Bay and it's very easy to sneak in at night. During the day you can drive your car or ride your motorcycle in. I've seen deer here and many strange things. The cemetery was designed by Frederick Law Olmstead who designed Central Park. This is a cemetery that is meant to be enjoyed! Many of California's important historical figures, drawn by Olmsted's reputation, are buried here so you'll recognize big San Francisco street names. There are many grandiose crypts in tribute to the wealthy, especially along the ridge section with a view across the Bay to the San Francisco skyline, known as "Millionaires' Row". Julia Morgan, my favorite architect, designed Chapel of the Chimes, the columbarium you pass on your way into the cemetery. Julia Morgan also did Hearst Castle. She's a badass who was raised in Oakland.
Calistoga/Napa Valley- I have been many times and it's best to do it on someone else's dime. I very much enjoyed the Solage resort and you can rent out the heated pool just for two at night.
OTHER HONORABLE MENTIONS: William Westerfeld House (occult in Alamo Square that remains after the Black House got torn down), Mission Delores (technically the oldest cemetery in SF), Presidio Pet Cemetery (near the Golden Gate Bridge), Kabuki Hotel (no key card The Sex Pistols stayed here when they played their final show at Winterland), Colma (look up the word “necropolis” and Abigail Folger, one of the Manson family victims, is buried here), Roxy Theatre (support your local independent theatre and eat at Sunflower Authentic Vietnamese next door after), Wilbur Hot Springs (hippies- no cell service or internet but amazing hot springs), Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA) safe houses (I have Patty Hearst's FBI poster is framed in my NYC kitchen), Bob Mizer Foundation (Bob Mizer was probably best known for his groundbreaking magazine Physique Pictorial), Auto Erotica (if you love vintage gay porn and leather daddies, go here), The San Francisco South of Market Leather History Alley, and Folsom Street Fair (don't go just to stare and my last year was 2024 as it's getting too crowded/main stream again- scroll down for my butt).
One of many Folsom Street Fair photos of me topless in vintage Agent Provocateur leather suspenders, leather daddy hat, and boots. Leather history is very important to me, and the communities that came before me, so that I can be my most authentic self safely today.
Wearing latex and eating wagyu at Niku- charred on the outside, raw on the inside.
FOOD
Let me just say that grocery shopping in California is like shopping in technicolor when you're used to black and white. I swear the produce section is more vivid than the East Coast, even a summer farmers market. Farmers markets in the Bay Area win the nation and the access to superior produce 365 days a year is only comparable to Mexico in my experience. Even a cheap taco truck will be of higher quality just because it is in California.
Taqueria Cancun- the first place I ate a real burrito. I was on tour on the West Coast and across the street from the venue was Taqueria Cancun. Heaven!
Saison- I just think all the punk boys who work in the open kitchen are cute. It's a type and I'm grateful I've never dated a chef as they seem like trouble.
Quince- they tried to kill me with all of their courses but it was astounding. Dress up if you go because wearing jeans to dinner in SF is gross tech bro nonsense!
Epic Steak- this was the first place I ever tried wagyu. I enjoy being able to get a fresh farmers market salad, high quality meat, and charred vegetables. Epic was good for all of this and the wagyu was always done to perfection. They have some new chef now who is doing some weird stuff with the wagyu, like adding garnishes, like…why would you garnish perfection? Epic has a good view of the Bay Bridge and is romantic. Table 19 has an amazing view and you can sit on the same side of the table as your date.
Niku- Never fails! Table 64. Best wagyu in town. Drunken wagyu is my preference. Get the mushrooms.
OTHER HONORABLE MENTIONS: Niku Butcher Shop, Blue Barn, Tacos Mi Ranchero in Oakland (do not get the burrito at the taco truck), Seal Rock Inn Restaurant (Hunter S. Thompson got weird here so I want to go), and Sunflower Vietnamese on 16th Street.
CAFFEINE
Philz- pour over coffee that actually tastes good black and isn't ridiculously overpriced. Yes, it's a California chain but who cares. Philz is the type of place where Phil himself will just show up until they sold out a few years back. I like the light roast Ambrosia.
Ritual- People who ride fixed gear bicycles and wear American Giant may go here but just ignore them. The Goodwill nearby used to have amazing finds like a kangaroo skin or a Technics record player, all underpriced.
Samovar and Asha are the best places to get tea.
Stonemill Matcha for matcha. Near a vegan Japanese restaurant called Cha-Ya which is good. Also near good shopping like Afterlife and No on Valencia.
SHOPPING
Community Thrift- they have a gay porn filing cabinet to the right of the register. If you ask to see the leather box, behind the counter, you will always be surprised. Amazing furniture.
Afterlife- curated second hand and local jewelers, etc. I remember the woman who owned it to be kind and there's stuff for men and women.
No- good vintage. One time I even got XS leather chaps here when they bought of a BDSM storage space that lapsed on payment.
Dark Garden Corsetry- never had a corset from them but one can dream!
Mr. S Leather- I've learned more about sex just from being on the Mr. S mailing list than I have having actual sex. The staff are delightful and will answer any and all questions. It's male-centric but so much fun! Just go with it when you go and it'll be a unique memory.
Honey Birdette in San Jose- never been but it's cool they have a standalone store here and two stores in Los Angeles. HB's sizes are weird so I wish we had a store in NYC. Honey Birdette is kind of trashy but who doesn't want some trashy lingerie?
I recommend no high-end browsing or shopping where people work on commission unless you are 100% going to buy something. The smell of desperation and the sad state of Union Square and the nearby high-end shopping areas are depressing. The thriving downtown SF we once knew is gone. I mourn the loss of the Agent Provocateur and Wolford stores every time I visit.
Mountain View Cemetery and my first bike, a 1980 Honda 400T!
